In case you haven't followed the latest episodes of "Hip-Hop Beef", Coke Rapper (yeah, it's a genre) Rick Ross has come under heavy criticism due to indisputable evidence that he was once a Miami Dade County Corrections Officer (BTW is he drawing a pension?). By now, you've probably noticed the problem; it's hard to believe that you once unloaded tons of bricks of yay when you are strip searching car thieves in a prison. It just doesn't mix.
Anyway, 50 Cent doesn't like it one bit (personally I don't mind because Ross is a talented man). And although there is equally as intense speculation that 50 was a snitch, 50 has decided to out Ross BY INTERVIEWING ROSS' BABY'S MOM, AIRING OUT HIS SECRETS, AND THEN TAKING HER SHOPPING. Did you read what I just typed?
IMHO, the worst part isn't Baby's Mom saying that Ross' entire lifestyle is a farce. It's not when Baby's Mom explains how Officer Rick took away the car that Baby's Mom had been driving for 2 years. It's not 50's asshole attitude exemplified when he hinted that he and Baby's Mom were going to sleep together. It's not when they play Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" over the shopping sequence. It's when 50 Cent shows a picture of Ross's mom saying that she looks like the Nutty Professor. That is the single worst part of the entire movie.
I think we as a community should post this video on Urbandictionary.com under "Crossing the Line" or maybe under a new term called "Double Dutching over the Line". I thought it was a rule to leave Moms out of it. Looks like 50 doesn't play by rules. Ross, do something! Doesn't Noriega owe you one-thousand favors?
Perfect, awe-inspiring, delightful, superb... I'm running out of superlatives here. Just watch it.
Could you imagine being that guy? I mean honestly - who pukes during an interview? On a scale of 1-10 in terms of gulliness, it's like (a?) googolplex, if numbers could wear thick, old school gold chains, carry baseball bats (wooden, obvi), and had neck tattoos. Plus, the not washing your hair for months before an interview is supremely gully as well. Want to know what's not gully, though? Sighing loudly, dropping your vomit-spittly chin down to your chest, and sadly gazing at the ejected contents of your stomach while the dumbfounded anchor attempts to end the interview. He should have manned up and just gone on with the interview like nothing happened. WWSSD, m-effer - What Would Steven Seagal Do? WWSSD! Words to live by. Especially if you're a spontaneous puker.
Anyone that thinks that American troops are needed to secure Iraq hasn't seen footage of this little fat kid that clearly runs the streets outside of the green zone. Iraq's little Big Pun definitely has shit on lock. (Spolier Alert: This video takes a dark turn at the end)
His jiggle dance is also the freshest thing I have ever seen. I wish I had one of these kids.
UPDATE: One of my friends said this video wasn't funny and if I was ever a fat kid, I would understand. Guess what, I don't think you are getting picked on when you are eating other little kids during snack time.
There are so many things to enjoy in this video that it's almost impossible to start anywhere. I'll choose chronology of events out of laziness, but there are a plethora of other ranking/assessment models that one could choose as well, ranging from the funniest parts, to the most unexpected parts, to the weeziest cough-inducing parts. It's a wild world out there, but I'm just gonna play it safe for now:
1. The first fall All left foot - watch that thing go as she attempts to stay upright. An absolutely stunning piece of foot-trickery, like she's starring in an unholy mash-up of Sling Blade and Lord of the Dance.
2. The second fall The sheer talent displayed in that awkward, ankle-snapping, 2-foot va-voom to the finish is remarkable. How does she do that? She literally wobble-walks for a few seconds, shifting her entire weight to-and-fro on the poorly chosen fulcrum of the abused, ready-to-snap heels sticking out of her absurdly designed shoes like a really socially awkward tumor, or erection. Look at those moves! Incredible. I'm surprised this didn't go viral as a Chris Brown dance or something. It's like the twist, only for people with no discernible bone mass beneath their knees.
3. The first laugh That first hoary gasp that emerges from the anchor's throat - wow. If that's not a PSA for why smoking can be kind of awesome, I don't know what is. Not that I condone smoking, but still - what a character-defining laugh. That is like the laugh equivalent of the 1.5 inch-deep wrinkles on Clint Eastwood's face. That's man-laugh, ladies and gentlemen.
4. The ensuing laugh orgy I recall with a great deal of fondness those types of laughing fits from elementary and high school - when, no matter the inappropriateness of the context or your efforts to stifle it, it was impossible to stop laughing. It doesn't happen as much anymore, but seeing two older anchors break up into paroxyms of giggling while hosting the news gives me a certain heartwarming faith in getting older. Plus, hearing ol' hoary gasp giggle is the aural equivalent of crack cocaine.
5. Clapping Clapping when you're laughing is the pinnacle of the human experience. FACT.
6. Realizing what the model is carrying What the fuck is she doing with a watering can? Who made this decision? No wonder she fell. She was probably just flabbergasted and pissed off that she had to carry a goddamned WATERING CAN down a runway. I'd fall twice too, out of spite. But that's how I roll.
